There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
