if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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