lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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