I just threw up on my dentist
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
