The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
