you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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