Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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