Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
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