I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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