Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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