Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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