I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
