yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
