My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
