On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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