I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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