I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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