dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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