Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
whose parrot is this?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
