I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
