I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
