You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
