dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
