You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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