Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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