I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
