Im at strip club and am horny
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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