I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
