So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
