tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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