the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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