I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
