you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
