If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
