Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
