then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
