how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
