That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
