does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
