get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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