We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
