did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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