There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
