If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
