it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
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