i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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