i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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