Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
