How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
