Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
