Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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